It's Supposed to be Spring...

Here in the Midwestern United States, talking about the weather is everyone's go-to conversation starter.  The weather changes frequently and can be drastic.  For example, when I got to work today at noon, it was sunny and 38 degrees (which is a heckuva lot warmer than it has been).  Snow was melting, the sun felt warm on your face, and there was a blushing hope of the coming spring.  Now it's 5 o'clock and snow is pouring out of the sky, it feels like winter will never end and we will all just live in The Day After Tomorrow land.

I am so tired of shoveling, it's not even funny. It's the middle of April, which is supposed to be muddy and rainy, and instead we are getting huge dumps of snow. We got several inches of snow last Thursday through Friday, which accumulated in giant drifts because of the 40 mph wind.  Pleasant, right?  Saturday through about 5 pm today, it was sunny and warming up outside.  Now we are expected to get another 6 inches or so of snow tonight, with some rainy crap mixed in that will make roads very hazardous to travel.

Basically, this spring has not cooperated AT ALL.  I wish there was someone who could be fired for mixing up the season change so badly, but there isn't. That I know of- you find someone, let me know!

All of this has made it pretty much impossible to work with Rocky. In less than a month we are supposed to do our first ACTHA ride, but I haven't been able to work with him very much at all.  Things were starting to melt, so there was mud or ice floes everywhere.  Now it's been snowing again like crazy, so it makes driving dangerous or the trails generally impassable.

I did get some good work done on opening and closing the arena gate last time I was able get up to the barn.  After a few practices we were able to do it, not super gracefully but without smashing my knee and keeping my hand on the gate.  The trick I learned was to slow Rocky down and give him a pause between each new movement. His tendency was that once the gate was open, we go through it and away! Moving slowly around it and then stopping so I could shut it was not in his game plan.  Once we mastered taking it step by step, he was able to wrap his head around my request rather than rushing through everything.

Once I got frustrated because he seemed so impatient, so I loped him around the driest part of the arena for a minute.  When we returned to the gate we were both thinking more calmly and were able to get the job done. Still, I feel like we are not going to be well prepared for the ride in May. I'm wondering if they will end up needing to cancel it due to the weather, but I suspect they will do it anyway.

Can someone bring me back to this kind of weather? I miss the green!

Feels like -30

This week in weather, the northern part of the United States is freaking COLD.  There are wind chill advisories in red all over the place, saying not to go outside unless it's absolutely necessary.  Weather channels were all over predicting it was coming, so the day it was supposed to start dropping in the afternoon, I went up to the barn in the early afternoon- what can I say, I like to sleep in.  It also didn't seem too bad at my house.

At the barn, the wind howled, rattling the roof and snapping nearby tarps viciously.  Snow tornadoes lived and died in the arena, and I huddled in the warming room knowing that my plans of a quick trail ride were this side of crazy.  Instead, I took my boy in and switched blankets from his medium weight to his heavy weight.

Now he's in Hollyberry plaid to keep him warm! Silver put two round bales without hay nets in each pasture so the horses can eat to their heart's content- and to warm their bellies.  Still, I felt bad for Ella's dam, Liza, and for Ella.  I don't own a blanket that would fit Ella, but Rocky's extra would fit Liza fine. I tried to go up to the house to ask Silver if she thought Bryan would mind me putting a blanket on his mare, but she wasn't there.

I decided I would put it on anyway, especially because her coat wasn't as thick as it could have been.  Liza was skittish about being caught, edging away from me as soon as she saw me coming with a halter.  I scooted her off with my lead rope, but the second she considered not running away I backed off. Other horses nuzzled near to say hello, but she was a suspicious lady.

Exhibit A: Rocky is happy to see me :)

She finally allowed me to walk up to her and put the halter on.  Her eyes were wider than they should have been, but she accepted it.  My mom was nervous, and tried to convince me not to put the blanket on her.  She was convinced I was going to get kicked in the head; a possibility, I'll grant, but I kept a close eye on her and took my time making sure I wasn't scaring her.  When I walked her over to where my mom stood holding the blanket, she started to side step anxiously.

My mom started tugging on her, trying to get her to stop. I took the lead rope away from her, telling my mom to let go.  I allowed Liza to move her feet but kept my hand near her eye to keep her away from me.  As soon as I wasn't trying to force her to be still, she stopped and stood quietly.  I handed the rope back to my mom and told her to keep her hand up.

Liza was still a bit worried until I tossed the blanket over her back and starting rolling it out over her back.  As I worked, her eyes got soft and she obligingly moved so the wind would blow the straps closer to me, not away.  She seemed to realize that the blanket was keeping the worst of the wind from chilling her, and stood still to let me strap it on her.

I finished, praised her, and let her go.  She stood with us for a few seconds, accepting the neck rubs, then cantered back to the hay pile.  Within a minute she was chewing happily on hay.  That night I sent Bryan a message letting him know what I'd done.  He seemed okay with it (through type, anyway) but assured me that "she was used to -30 so she would have been fine."

I'm not sure how horses "get used to" -30, but I know she would have survived the few days of freezing temperatures without a blanket.  Wild horses do it every winter, without a constant supply of easy hay and water.  Except for the ones who die, but that's life in the wild.  Anyway, I felt bad that she didn't have a blanket on, I had an extra, and I used it.

I should have asked permission before doing it, and that is where I become overly helpful.  I see something I think is fixable, and I "fix" it often without thinking of the human element.  Liza is not my horse and I did not have permission to touch her, specifically, only Ella.  However, if someone had done me the same favor, I would have been grateful.  Thing is, I still have what I am going to coin as "helper's guilt."


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Here's a fun maternity test for everyone.  This is Ella (the filly whose butt is facing the camera):

Which mare is her dam? 

We Built This City on Ice and Snow

I went up to the barn yesterday, bundled up in all of my winter gear and excited to work with Rocky and Ella. When I got up there, Ella's owner had her out already and was just about done messing around with her.  We chatted for a bit, and as I was talking I gestured upwards with one of my hands.  I noticed Ella shy away a little, eyeing me suspiciously. I continued the movement over and over.  My arm swished past my body, making more noise than usual due to the fabric of my jacket.

Ella edged away, her ears back and nose in the air.  I followed her, keeping roughly the same distance as the one that had startled her.  When she stopped trying to sidle away and seemed to relax a little, I stopped waving my arm and rubbed her neck.  She blew out softly, already seeming to understand that a neck caress is soothing and means that she has done the right thing.  She flinched a little when I repeated the exercise, but didn't try to move away again. Her owner, Bryan, remarked that he had never thought of desensitizing a horse with something as simple as an arm movement.

We talked about it for a few minutes, and I encouraged him to foster her natural curiosity about things that he knows won't hurt her. If she is spooks at something, let her walk up and smell it. She'll learn to investigate things rather than run away from them.

I asked if he minded me working with her in the round pen, and if he wanted to watch.  He was happy to hear this, and led her through the barn.  She snorted and went sideways a little when exiting the other end of the barn.  Bryan was going to keep leading her to the round pen, until I stopped him and had him let Ella smell the potted plant that had made her shy.  Within seconds she was trying to eat the brown, brittle plant stems. I reiterated that every spook is an opportunity for learning, and the more she is shown that the horse-eating-thing she spooked at will not hurt her, the calmer of a horse she will be.

We let her go in the round pen to buck and trot around for a few minutes.  I also wanted to see what the footing was like without putting pressure on her to follow my directions.

Half the round pen was icy, but the other half seemed okay.  The last time I had her in the round pen, she had cut across the pen, skipping the now icy half completely.  I decided to give it a go, and stop if the footing became too much of a problem.

She remembered some of the lesson from four days previous! I had to walk up to her to encourage her to move out the first time, but after that all it took was a snap on the ground with the whip in the center of the round pen to send her off when she was getting sticky.  Once she purposefully walked in the correct direction off just my point, most times it took pointing and clicking to achieve it.

Ella was doing pretty well going right, so I decided to work on sending her to the left.  Unfortunately, she became braver about the other half of the round pen when traveling to the left.  I had to back off completely when she went over there, as the ground was smooth ice with a dusting of snow.  Several times her feet slid around.  I finally decided that I needed to stop the lesson.  I wasn't able to cue her properly and she was putting herself in danger on the ice.

I moved on to desensitizing her to the lunge whip.  She was fine with it rubbing down her neck and sides, but was flinchy when it touched her butt.  When I rubbed down her left hind leg, she kicked out when it touched just above her hock. I kept rubbing when she kicked, so she tried to move away from it while seriously considering kicking again.  After a few seconds, she stopped her movement and stood still for me for a good 10 seconds.  I took the whip off her leg and praised her.  I put it back, and she huffed out a breath, then relaxed.  She didn't try to kick out the rest of the session.

It's moments like that when I know I'm doing the right thing here, teaching her not to kick and how to relax. Bryan had said he picked her feet without a problem before I got there, but I worry that he trusts Ella a bit too much.  He also doesn't know how to desensitize a horse properly, and would have removed the pressure when she struck out rather than keeping it on, effectively teaching her that if she strikes with her feet, scary things go away.

Ella also tried to push into me when she got uncomfortable with what I was doing. I curbed this by keeping my hand at her eye level.  Every time she attempted to push into me, I tapped her face with my hand.  Ella would throw her head back in alarm, but back off.  After a few times of running into my hand, she figured out that she needed to keep a respectful distance.

By the end of our desensitization, she was standing quietly while I flipped the string of the lunge whip over her back and butt, then dragged it back to my side.  I let the string flip around the far side of her from me, curl under her belly, and then I would drag it back across to me.

Overall, I'd say we ended on a successful note with her desensitization.  I had her stand tied for a bit, and she pawed a little at first but then stopped.  I was able to release her after only 10 minutes or so, when she stood quietly with one hind leg cocked in relaxation.  Smart filly.

The First Day

Yesterday, I had a day off before going back to work for another four days. (I work an odd schedule. I work four, ten hour shifts per week which means that some weeks I will work 6 days in a row and other weeks I will have four days off in a row.)  Anyway.  I was planning on taking Rocky out, doing some groundwork and then hopping on for a quick ride.

When I went out to get him, he had his nose buried in hay.  He greeted me, then went back to eating with the apparent hope that I would allow him to finish his meal.  As I went to move him off the hay, Ella walked over to say hello.  Her eyes were bright and she seemed to say, "You came here for me, right?" 

My plan was to start working with her next Tuesday, when I have several days off in a row and the lessons would have a better chance of sticking with her.   Rocky's absorption in food and Ella's eagerness for human contact changed my mind, and I slipped Rocky's rope halter over her head.  It was a little big, but I tied it off so it sat correctly on her face.  She came with me without hesitation, until we got to the gate.  Then she seemed a little unsure of herself, and needed guidance to know that she should turn around outside of the gate so I could close it.

I took her to the round pen, and Ella made soft snorty sounds as we walked.  Her tendency was to want to crowd me, warning me that if she were to get scared she would likely try to climb into my lap.  I urged her gently into her own space.  I let her go in the round pen for a few minutes on her own.   She snorted, bucked, and moved around the space, spooking herself at the same place three times in a row.  Her yearling antics were fun to watch.  She tested the fence, nibbled at stray grass that poked up around the pen's posts through the snow, trotted with high steps before throwing a buck and running across the pen, only to stop and smell the ground again.

Once she seemed to accept the boundaries of the space, and lost some of her wide eyed look, I entered the pen.  My plan is to start slow and basic, keeping the lessons simple.  

We started with Ella moving in the direction I point, and to continue moving that direction unless I specified otherwise.  She spent a lot of her time looking out of the round pen, but within a few minutes she was starting to get the idea.  I began by pointing to the right, waiting a few seconds, then clicking while pointing, waiting a few seconds, and finally snapping the lunge whip against the ground.   The first five times or so that I asked for her to move out, she ignored my pointing and vocal commands completely.

After that, she started to turn her head so the outside of her eye could see me.  It was beginning to occur to Ella that this two legged thing was not going to leave her to her own devices, and was instead insisting that she move in a specific direction.  I did not make any effort to control the speed she moved at, only the direction her feet were moving.  Sometimes she scooted off because I ended up snapping the whip directly behind her butt before she would go.   Other times she slid off at a walk after the first sound of the whip from the center of the round pen.

Ella liked to stop to smell a pile of manure on one side of the pen, and then stare out of the pen at her pasture just across the barn yard.  On the opposite side from her pasture, she would cut across the round pen and consider coming in to me.  I directed her feet to keep going when she would get stuck somewhere, and only asked that she stay at least the lunge whip length away from me when she cut across the pen.

After she followed my direction based on only my point-and-click, I invited her to come in to me by turning around and walking away from her.  She immediately came off the fence, smelled the ground and then went to stare off at her pasture mates- who, by the way, were all staring back at her.  I let her breathe for a minute, then went back to asking her to go to the right.

She responded better, still needing the occasional sound of the whip to motivate her but starting to figure out that she has two chances to go before the whip would come out.   Ella walked off after I pointed, and I invited her again to come to me.  This time, she came halfway across the round pen to me and stopped, watching me.   She let me approach her and I rubbed her neck on both sides, praising her for listening so well.   Her skin was warm under her thick winter coat, almost to the point of getting sweaty.  Her breathing was harder than usual, blowing in hot streams on my hands.

For her, she had gotten a lot of exercise.  She had played around in the pen before I asked anything of her, and then had walked, trotted, and occasionally cantered of her own volition but in the direction I wanted.   As a now-former pasture puff, her time in the round pen with me was hard work.

I stopped rubbing her neck, took a few steps away from her, and crooked my finger while clicking.  She didn't know what I meant but, being the friendly filly she is, took the invitation and walked up to me again.  I clipped the lead rope back to her halter, and that was the end of her round penning session. 

I walked her through the barn, which she blew at uneasily.   I stopped and let her stand to look around several times.  Her eyes were wide but she followed me with minor hesitation.   Ella was then brought to a tie ring, where I let her stand tied for about half an hour.  I got Rocky and fiddled around with him while keeping an eye on Ella to make sure she didn't hurt herself or loosen her lead rope too much. 

She pawed at the ground, whinnied to nearby horses, and once pawed with such a big step that she put her foot over the bottom tape of the arena that she was tied next to.   She reared, scooted back a step and was free of the arena tape.  Ella stood blowing with her head up, waiting for someone to do something.  When she discovered she was unhurt, still tied, and that no one was coming to "save" her, she looked distinctly disappointed.

I caught her cocking a hind leg in relaxation a few times, but as soon as she saw me coming to release her she began to paw again.  Ella earned her freedom from the tie post out of luck, as the stallion on the property needed to be brought in and I was asked to move her.   She walked nicely back to the pasture, but made the mistake of whinnying at her pasture mates on the way.  I had her back up a few steps, taking it slow so she could decipher what I was looking for her to do.

Overall, her first day went very well.  She seems interested in learning, and is much calmer about the process than she should be considering her lack of handling.  Here's hoping the rest of her training continues as successfully as her first day! I'm curious to see how much she remembers when I take her out on Tuesday.

The Fear Place, part 2

Before I continue my story from The Fear Place, I wanted to throw out a quick update to Ella. Yesterday, I finally heard back from her owner, who said that he is happy to have me work with her!  I am really excited to do this, and will definitely be posting our progress.  Unfortunately, I work a lot in the next week and so will not get a chance to start working with her until next week.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled blog entry.

The fear had taken over my mom.  Tapper had stopped when he reached Rocky and I, but a part of her knew that she should redo the hill.  The panicked part tugged quickly back on Tapper's reins, and he obligingly backed under a pine tree.  Snow tumbled down around my mom, and she had to hunch forward under the branches.  Her eyes were wide and I could tell that her mind had fractured with fear, not processing the situation clearly.

I suggested that she dismount and do some ground work, joking about "surviving the experience."  Her terse reply of "No shit!" told me where her head was, and it wasn't ready to ride.  She got off, and proceeded to lunge Tapper going up and down the hill.  Her cues were a little off, and she would tug him toward her at the bottom of the hill.  He obediently would turn and face her, but she hadn't meant to tug on him.  She would briskly send him off again, and he was starting to get agitated from all of the mixed signals.

I asked if she meant to pull him in, and she said no.  She stopped doing it then, now that she realized what was going on.  I told her to change his direction more frequently, which helps him to relax and gives her more to think about in terms of cuing properly rather than just letting Tapper trot around her.  Within a few turns, Tapper's eyes were quiet and calm.  He was doing what she asked without issue, but my mom hadn't completely left The Fear Place yet.

I pointed out that he was behaving himself and seemed over "his" issue.   She slowed herself down, and was able to agree with me.   I told her that instead of riding straight down the hill, which seems to make her more fearful, I suggested riding circles on it.  She ended up going down the hill to the side of the main trail where the slope wasn't as steep.  She rode up behind me, stopped and looked at me.

I told her to go do it again.

She let out a reluctant breath but she knew I was right.  She went down the hill twice more, each time becoming more confident as Tapper didn't put a foot wrong.   Finally her smile was back in place, and she was able to laugh about the experience.  I reminded her that she needs to work on just going up and down that hill until it gets boring for her. She said I was right, and that she would plan a time to do it one of the next times she went to the barn.

Working through fear isn't easy, and I'm not sure if it's something that ever completely leaves you.  With horses, nothing is ever guaranteed other than the fact that they can be unpredictable.  I love them anyway.

 

Sorry for the poor quality of this image, but it was the only one I could find of it! It's from Bonnie Timmons' book, "Hold Your Horses."  I recommend every horse aficionado own a copy. 

The Fear Place

I think we have all been there.  You took a new route, did the wrong thing at the wrong time, had something completely accidental happen.  Sometimes you luck out, and nothing bad comes of it even when it should have. Other times, you get hurt, perhaps even end up in the hospital.  Life can be like that, but with horses, the chances of getting injured go way up.

People handle these things in different ways.  Some are able to get up and go on like nothing ever happened.  Others are devastated, so traumatized that they give up riding for life.  Of course, there is every nuance of feeling between those two extremes, and most people land in the middle.

I had a bad fall while cantering that still causes me back pain now and again.  It has been over 6 years, and I am 90% over it.  I still get a little clutch in my belly before asking for it for the first time in any particular ride, but then it smooths out and I'm okay.

My mom's bad fall is something she is still working through, and it's what I wanted to highlight today.  I happened to be there for her fall, and have been helping her work through it since.  I had to dig my way out of my own worm hole, too afraid and ashamed to admit my fears or to know how to ask for help.  Now that I am on the other side, it is gratifying to reach out and offer empathy, support, and guidance.

Mom and Lady (ironic name) were going down a hill behind Rocky and I.  We were close to the barn, coming back from a very short trail ride. My mom is new to horses and to Lady in particular.  When Lady began to trot down the hill, it scared my mom so she attempted to pull her to a stop.  Lady was a dominant personality mare that my mom was learning to handle, but she hadn't been able to really gain Lady's respect.  Instead of stopping, Lady swerved to the side of the trail.  By this time, I had heard the hoof beats behind me speed up, so I had turned around in the saddle to make sure they were okay.

I saw Lady tuck her nose a bit, then kick out with both hind legs three times in a row.  By the third kick she had effectively bounced my mom out of the saddle.  She fell hard on her back and right side.  I was off Rocky and next to my mom as fast as I could be, where she gasped for breath.  Remembering what it felt like to get the wind knocked out of me, to try to stand up while hard fists were closed around my lungs was scary by myself.  I coached my mom to take slow, shallow breaths rather than claw for a big filling one.   I told her to stop trying to get up and just focus on getting air.

She listened, staying on her knees with her hands on the ground in front of her, trying not to cry and moan in pain while getting the necessary oxygen.  After what seemed like forever, but was probably 30 seconds or so, I could hear her breathing even out.  She was still half panting from pain but it was no longer as panicky.   I grabbed Lady then, and helped her slowly stand up.

We traded horses for the short walk back to the barn.  I didn't know if Lady would try to rush or push her way back, but I knew Rocky would be gentle.

I ended up taking my mom to the hospital, where they admitted her for two days.  It was one of the scariest drives of my life; I wanted to go fast to get there quickly, but take turns and stop carefully.   She had severely bruised her kidneys and they were worried she may have internal bleeding.   She was released after two days with painkillers and no internal damage other than bruising.

Since then, she has purchased a new horse named Tapper and gained new horsemanship abilities.  She is still learning, as all of us are, but has come a long way.

A few days ago, we had completed a decent trail ride with no mishaps.  Tapper started to trot down the same hill Lady had over a year before, and my mom panicked.  It brought back all of her memories of her fall and even though he stopped when he caught up to Rocky and I, only 15 feet ahead of them, the fear had taken over my mom.

To Be Continued...

Side Passing Mister Attitude

 When I took Rocky out of the pasture, he gave this plow a distrustful sideways glance, shifting his weight away from it while still following me obediently.  I took him over and he blew snortily at it, then started to really smell it.  Within seconds he was nuzzling the plow and taking experimental nibbles. Apparently the horse-eating plow became a possibly edible fixture.  This is the Rocky I know and love, though; he can be unsure of something, but after examining it he quickly determines that it's okay.

Because he calmed down so fast after being worried about the plow, I decided to take him out for a trail ride.  Sometimes when we are out on the trail, I don't feel like Rocky is really "with" me.   He does what I ask him to, but his mind is elsewhere.  I spoke with Silver about it, asking for guidance.  She told me what I already knew about moving his feet, but I explained that doing figure 8's is not enough to engage his thinking brain.  He knows how to do figure 8's well enough that he can trot through them with minimal effort.

Next she suggested doing roll backs down her fence line, until I explained that we don't know how to do those. She told me that once we have enough snow on the ground to have decent footing, she'll run Rocky and I through our paces to see where we're at, then work with us from there.  I'm excited about that upcoming opportunity.

Still, I got myself thinking about things I can do with Rocky out on the trail that will help him tune in to me rather than space out.  Here is what I came up with:

 

Can you tell what we're doing? It's not very polished yet, but it definitely gets Rocky's brain working.  We have been able to do the building blocks for this for a while, but I haven't progressed to side passing until recently.  From the ground, I have been able to get him to yield his hind and fore quarters, crossing his inside leg over his outside one as he steps.  He pivots around one foot nicely, doing 360 degree circles as he yields.  Previously, I had done some work in getting him to side pass from the ground, and he was doing okay.  I wasn't consistent enough for it to really stick, but when I started up again recently he had some memory of our earlier work. 

So far, he does better moving to the right than left as that was our first lesson.  He wants to move forward and gets confused that he is not supposed to go forward or backwards.  The last time I took him out, he was able to get 3 good steps at a time.  Like I said, it's a work in progress but it was great out on the trails.  Whenever I felt his mind wander, I would ask him to yield his hindquarters, then sometimes try for a step or two of side passing.  It worked, and we went exploring through the brush trying to find the trail we took with Silver the last time we were out with her.  After 20 minutes of searching and slapping through scrub bushes, I gave up and returned to the well marked path. 

He had been perfectly happy to tromp around searching for the trail, and was equally enthusiastic to return home- so he thought.  Instead, we continued on known trails to get back into the woods on the other side of the property.  We went through the woods here, and I didn't often have to stop and ask Rocky for his attention.  We even went up the super steep hill that I had refused to ride up or down with Silver last time. At the bottom of the hill when I stopped to take this picture, a grouse exploded up from the grove to our right, and flew away with snapping wings.  Rocky jumped in place with surprise, and then calmed down within a second or two. 

  

I took a few seconds to gather myself after the grouse had left, then asked him to go up the hill.  He went without hesitation.  I gripped his mane, leaned forward and let him do his thing.  His front feet slipped twice, but he caught himself without trouble and continued hauling us up.

 

 This is the view along the back of the pasture line, the "main artery" if you will to other trails.  Bear is waiting patiently for us up ahead, and we practiced side passing down this fence line.

 

At the end of the ride, Rocky's nose was frosty and his neck was steaming.  I covered him with a cooler until he was mostly dry, then put his blanket back on him. 

 Oh, and he stuck his head through some pine branches a few times.  I think he was going for a medicine hat look...but, you know, the photo negative version.

Micro Esteem

I have a degree in psychology, and I am trying to get good at noticing micro expressions.  Sometimes. (A micro expression is a tiny flash of emotion that people unconsciously will do, and is referred to in as a non verbal means of communication.)  So yeah, micro expressions.  Learning to read them, meaning notice that someone made the expression, figure out what emotion was shown, and then use that information to better understand what the person is truly thinking versus what they are literally saying. It can be very helpful at my job.  I work with teenagers at a residential treatment facility, and sometimes catching a micro expression and commenting on the feeling behind it can get you into more honest conversations with people.

For example, I was talking to an 18 year old male client, and I told him that he seems to be a sensitive person.  He flashed the expression for scorn and then smoothed it away in a heartbeat, because as humans we tend to not want to insult others.  He tried to be polite and say something about how "that's possible."  But his face told me he not only didn't believe he is a sensitive person, but his initial gut reaction was to be scornful of the very idea of being sensitive.  I pointed this out to him, and explained what I meant by sensitive.  After my explanation, he admitted that he can be emotionally sensitive- which is why he puts up protective "walls" around his feelings.  But I digress.

The point is, learning to read and respond to micro expressions at my work place has been helpful.  Not so in my person life.  I.E., with my mom.  I often wish that I could just not notice what my mom thinks about things.  I want to take what she is verbally saying at face value, and ignore her body language.

This is where I explain why I mentioned my degree in psychology at the beginning of this post.  It's because I can make excuses for other people's behavior all day long.  I'm good at it, at explaining it, rationalizing why someone might be doing what they are doing, etc.   Having insight into others is a double edged sword.  I can rationalize that my mom has a lot of things going on in her life right now that are really stressful, so if she looks at me with that "you look fat" face, or "you need to stop gaining weight" look, it's only because her mom is floundering downhill with Alzheimer's.  

The thing is, right now I feel like my mom thinks I'm fat, she doesn't like or understand my husband (he doesn't like going outside very much! He plays video games- a lot. Eep!), and she doesn't like my dog (he's "aggressive" and "doesn't understand" the word "come." Uh, yeah, he does, sometimes he chooses to ignore you, or stare at you blankly.  He does get it, though. She is upset that he likes to come when you are using a high pitched, read: happy tone of voice.  She "doesn't play that game," meaning using a different tone of voice to call him.  Nope, she puts a shock collar on her dog so that if he doesn't come, she can shock him.  Different strokes for different folks, I guess).

The thinking I'm fat thing... to be fair, I am overweight. I finally got myself some new bras yesterday because they were half off, and I don't like to spend money on myself, but I found out I went up two bra sizes.  Thank God I don't have that horrible 4 boob thing going on anymore, but up two sizes? I was grateful she wasn't there with me, not because I feel that terrible about my new bra size, but because her presence would have made me feel ashamed.  Even though she is overweight, too.  Women are tough on each other.

It's why I almost didn't get my new coat, because nothing seemed to look good on me yesterday- at least to her.  She gave me the once over, a half hearted "that's nice, but isn't that just like the other coat you have?"  Her face screamed that she was not impressed.  Nope, not really. I confirmed this when I brought it home to show Justin, and asked him if he thought it was the same as my other jacket.  He looked at me like I was crazy and said no, the two coats were completely different. (By the way, I love my husband).  This coat has a tie around the waist, which actually gives me a waist.  I think I look good in it.

I tried on this dress, it was lacy, black, and sexy.  I put my new Spanx on under it, the first Spanx I have ever purchased, and went, "Wow! My butt looks smooth! My sides are nipped in! I've got some cleavage going- which, what is the point of having big boobs if you never show them off- and the skirt is a decent enough length that I don't look slutty!"  I came out of the dressing room, as my mom had told me she wanted to see. Haltingly, she told me, "Oh, cute. Yeah."  And nodded.  She looked at me a few seconds longer, then asked, "Did you see yourself in a full length mirror?"  Who wants to be cute in a dress designed to be sexy, with a v neckline and black lace?  Um, yeah, I saw myself in a full length mirror.  I thought that my husband would love this dress, and want to get me out of it at his earliest opportunity.

I couldn't buy it then, not with the way she looked at me in it.  Her micro expressions were all negative, all condemning my cleavage and curvy (but now smoothly curvy- thanks Spanx!) torso. I did buy some boots that she wasn't overly impressed with either, but dammit, I can wear these every day.  And I like them. The dress would be a date-night dress, and we can only afford so many of those.  I suggested wearing the boots with skinny jeans, and she quickly told me, "Or just like that," meaning with pants over them.  Apparently I look bad in skinny jeans, too.

When I told my husband about it, wanting his honest opinion, he told me that the boots look good this morning (with skinny jeans, thankyouverymuch) and that he thinks I'm sexy anyway.  But that dress sounded good.

I did get $75 in Kohl's cash so I think I am going back to buy that dress on Monday.  Sexy date night, here I come! Negative micro expressions be damned.

Difficult Conversations

Welcome, Mugwump Chronicle Readers! (and all others, of course.)  Mugwump featured a past blog post I wrote on her blog today, and one of the reader comments inspired me to write a follow up.  The original blog can be found here.  It's titled "Lemons," and is about my experience of buying Rocky, falling in love with him, and then realizing that he has HYPP N/H after receiving his registration papers from the friend I bought him from.  One of the Mugwump readers asked if I ever talked to "Rite," my friend who sold me Rocky, about not disclosing his HYPP status to me prepurchase.  Here is the answer:

When I got Rocky's registration papers in the mail and saw the dreaded "HYPP N/H" letters on the side, my heart sank.  One of the people I boarded with at the time had been concerned that her horse was HYPP positive, and had mentioned a few things about it.  Essentially, I knew that it wasn't good but not any concrete details.  I headed to the internet and did some research to learn what exactly I was dealing with.

I was still grieving the loss of my first horse just three months earlier, so seeing that my new horse I had already started falling in love with may have a seizure and drop dead was terrifying.  For a while, I sat and cried with my laptop, wondering what I should do.  I didn't want to return Rocky; HYPP notwithstanding, he was exactly what I wanted in a horse and my rational brain knew that horses can have accidents or other sudden medical issues.  I had learned that fact all too well with the untimely death of my first horse.

I felt such rage at Rite, for misleading me, for breeding Rocky in the first place, for continuing to breed his HYPP N/H sire at will.  I thought about how she feeds all of her horses a rich alfalfa diet, and came to the conclusion that she did not have the same panic response that I did.  The potassium in alfalfa can set off HYPP symptoms, but she didn't seem to either know or be bothered by that knowledge.

Finally, when I had processed the situation enough on my own to not send a nasty, horrible email, I did send one.  I don't remember exactly what I said, but I tried to keep my feelings in check the best I could.  I asked if Rocky had ever had HYPP symptoms, what they were and how severe they were if he had experienced them. I think I commented about being surprised to see that he was a carrier on his papers, and that it would have been nice to know earlier.

She responded by saying that he'd never been symptomatic, nor had Checkers, his sire.  Rite explained that if he were to have an attack, it would look like "he was standing on his tippy toes" with his hind end, and that it would go away after a little bit.  I stared at that email for a long time.  I didn't know what to say; she knew enough about HYPP to know that it would be a muscle seizure, but apparently not enough to know that he could choke to death?  Obviously choking to death would be a worst case scenario, but it has happened.

I finally decided that nothing I could say to her was likely to make a difference. She was an adult, had made her choices and chooses to believe that HYPP is not a big deal.   Rite recently talked about gelding Checkers, and I was very supportive of the idea.  Other than that, I chose not to pursue the matter any further.  I think that Rite honestly believes HYPP is not a real problem, so she thought she was acting fairly. 

In many ways I have been very lucky to have Rocky.  He has a great mind, tries hard, is sweet and steady.  A good deal of those traits come from his breeding, as both Amber (his dam) and Checkers are good minded, calm, and try to please their rider.  He also came with the upbringing I wanted, having received all proper vaccinations and farrier care.   Rocky was also desensitized from a young age, again adding to his value as a trail horse for me.

Rocky's good traits that he got from Rite added to my decision to let this thing lie.  I couldn't see any good come from "having it out" with Rite, and at the end of the day, I love and want my horse. 

If you had been in my shoes, what would you have done?  What do you think the "right" course of action would be? 

Perception

The last time I was at the barn with my mom, it didn't go very well.  There were two main issues, one of which was my sister and the other was my dog.  I don't want to go into the whole thing with my sister, but I do want to talk about what happened with Bear.

I see Bear's behaviors one way, and my mom sees them another way.  When I am at the barn with Bear, and my mom/her dog, Dexter, are not there, I have no issues with Bear.  He listens to me, plays nice with the other barn dogs, and generally behaves himself.  When Dexter is there, Bear wants to play.  The two dogs have grown up together, a month apart in age, and Bear loves to play with Dexter.  Dexter has mellowed more so than Bear has in this department, and sometimes just flops on the ground rather than running around.  Now, here is one area my mom and I have differing opinions.  Bear will stand over/near Dexter and "chew" (gently, without hurting) Dexter's cheeks, nudging him and then standing back.  He will do this several times.  My mom sees this as Bear asserting his dominance over Dexter, and yells at him every time he tries to do it- which is fairly frequently.  I see it as Bear trying to play with Dexter, giving him space to get up, and then asking again to play.  Does it have some dominance aspect to it? Yes, but when they play I see Bear allowing Dexter to chase him/push him down, which is a passive role.

It seems to me that Bear is willing to switch roles from "dominant" to "submissive," but often Dexter chooses to lay on the ground.  Sometimes when Bear asks him to play, he does get up and play.  Sometimes, he doesn't.  To me, there isn't a clear boundary of when it is okay for Bear to ask Dexter to play, and when it isn't.  To me, Bear gets yelled at a lot for trying to play with Dexter.  To my mom, Bear is constantly trying to assert dominance over Dexter so she yells at him.

Bear is not an aggressive dog in protecting himself.  I have seen dogs snarl/bark/intimidate Bear, and he runs away with his tail between his legs.  He isn't trying to be Pack Leader, at least from what I have seen.  However, he is protective of me and others that he cares about.  When a dog runs up to me, he comes over and inserts himself between me and the other dog.  If it's a dog he knows, like Dexter, he is casual about it and easily lets me pet Dexter.  If it's a strange dog, he rumbles deep in his throat, his tail goes up and he thrusts his chest out at the other dog.  Essentially, he is saying "She's mine, I don't know you, back off." When I tell him it's okay and make a point of petting the other dog with him, he relaxes and nothing more happens.

The last time we were at the barn, one of the barn dogs was acting dominant toward Dexter.  I didn't see what happened, I only heard the dogs' voices.  I heard Crusher (the barn dog) make a dominant sound, and then seconds later I heard Bear's rumble.   There was a flurry of barking, then my mom yelling at them. Bear came to me when I called, and my mom started to tell me that Bear 'attacked' Crusher. I tried to tell her that he was being protective, but she then began insisting that Bear had meant to attack the other dog. (By the way it sounded and Bear's typical behavior, he didn't bite or try to bite the other dog. I think he ran up to Crusher in an assertive way while rumbling, as that is what I have seen Bear do before.) To be fair, I didn't see what happened at that moment.  Here's what happened after, though: I put Bear on my lead rope and tied him near Rocky.  I was done with him being yelled at and didn't want him interacting with the other dogs anymore.  He accepted this just fine. 

I kept Bear on the lead the rest of the time at the barn, as I was finishing up anyway.  During that time, Crusher behaved assertively toward Dexter, to the point that I heard Crusher rumble at Dexter and possibly push him down.  My mom then yelled at Crusher and put Dexter in her car.  Crusher then hovered outside the car, and my mom had to urge him away from the car. 

To me, that proves that Crusher was probably trying to push Dexter around, Bear saw it and intervened to protect his buddy. 

My mom believes Bear was acting aggressively toward Crusher, because Bear is an aggressive/dominant dog.  I believe Bear thought he was protecting Dexter from Crusher, and so he postured in a dominant way.  Can Bear be dominant? Yes, of course. He can also be submissive- he regularly submits to one of the other barn dogs, and is quite humble about it.  Again, I only see Bear's dominant/aggressive side come out when he believes he is protecting someone else.  It's in his breeding as a German Shepherd to do that, but he has always listened to me and backed down when doing so.  I have never seen him genuinely attack anything, only posture and rumble which tends to be intimidating enough.

Which of us is correct?  Obviously I think I am, but either way, I am tired of Bear being yelled at.  For a while he didn't even want to come in the barn, and would hide by my car unless I was going out for a trail ride.  I have worked to make his last several times at the barn more positive, he has started to regain confidence in entering the barn again.

My plan for the future is to tie him up while Dexter is there, unless we are going for a trail ride.  That way Dexter can get away from him, lay down all he wants and Bear doesn't get yelled at- for trying to play or asserting dominance, whichever way you look at it.

Softening

Rocky likes to stick his nose out.  He generally travels in a long, spread out manner, his nose leading the charge.  He moves like that even in the pasture, so it's just his natural way of getting from A to B.  Most of the time, especially as he's been growing up, I have ignored his stuck out nose.  Okay, to be fair, I didn't know how to ask him NOT to root his nose, but I also didn't want to push him into travelling in a frame (or collected) before his growing body could handle it.  There are so many differing opinions about how to push or not push young horses!  General consensus, however, is that a 6 year old is just tipping past "young horse" into "mature horse" territory.

We're there.  Rocky turned 6 this spring, and sometimes I can't believe that I have already owned him for 3 years.  This last year, I have started working with him using Clinton Anderson's methods, and have seen a lot of improvement from both of us.  The biggest thing so far (for me, anyway) has been flexing him horizontally- asking him to bend his nose to touch my boot while I'm on him.  He has been getting lighter and lighter about doing this, and each time I ride him I let him warm up to it, but then I can ask him to flex with just a couple of fingers. It's awesome.

Last fall, I started learning how to ask him to "vertically flex from the poll-" to tip his nose towards his chest when I pick up with the reins. Now, for my stuck out nose horse, tipping his nose towards his chest did not initially make much sense.  To ask for it, you put the horse in a snaffle bit that would be uncomfortable but not painful for the horse to lean against. Then you pick up first with one rein, sliding your hand toward the bit and pulling back to hold steady pressure on the horse's mouth.  You do the same with the other rein until the horse has steady backwards pressure on his mouth, again enough to make them uncomfortable but not enough to be painful.  

Then you wait, hands holding reins on your thighs until the horse is standing still and they figure out to give to you.  You're waiting for them to bump their nose in, giving to the bit for just a second.  Then you release the pressure, rewarding them for that give.  The first time Rocky and I did this last fall, my arms were shaking from holding his big head. He didn't get it, and stood for probably 20 minutes at a time pulling against the pressure. It didn't help that the bit I was using was too thick, giving him too much to lean against.  I now have a snaffle that isn't thick, with nice copper inlay. Alright, it's my mom's bit that she isn't using right now, but I digress.

That's where we started, Rocky leaning against the bit for 20 minutes or so before giving me the slightest nose bob.  Of course, you can't try something just once and expect them to get it... so I ended up sitting in the arena looking like I wasn't doing much for over an hour. Ah, horse training.

Since then we have much improved, I forget to practice but Rocky is a smart horse and quickly picks up where we left off.  Thank goodness for forgiving horses! 

Yesterday he started flexing vertically from his poll when I would just pick up the reins.  He wasn't consistent about it yet, but lightness is coming into it.  He's finally started to really *get* it, and he definitely had his thinking cap on.  I am pretty sure his 'thinking cap' pushes his ears out, because when he is really concentrating, his ears go out to the side and his eyebrows wrinkle. It's not really a pretty look... but I love it because I know how hard he's trying to do what I'm asking.

We got the vertical flexion at a standstill, and even started working on it at a walk! I had to put my spurs on to help him figure out that he now needs to move and flex at the same time, but it didn't take him long to start to catch on.  We worked on it until he started getting it fairly consistently in the arena, then went for a short trail ride.  He gave really nicely even out on the trails! 

After the ride was over, he was tired but happy. 

On a side note, I just spent about half an hour trying to get my phone to connect to the computer so I could put the picture I took of Rocky at the end of this post. It's not working and I'm getting mad at it, so I'm going to post a different picture.

**UPDATE: I just realized that the photo I uploaded here previously is one that I put in a different post.  Oops! Here's a new photo instead:

Rocky and I going through some water!

Deer shack!

In my last post I mentioned fulfilling the childhood dream of riding at my family's cabin, also known as the "Deer Shack." It was the first time my mom and I trailered out for a ride on our own.  We got going about half an hour behind schedule (which is usually right on time in the horse world...) and it took us about 45 minutes to an hour to get to the cabin from the barn.

We tacked up and I did some ground work with Rocky before mounting up, as he was a bit snorty at things around the cabin.  After some lunging and sending exercises, his thinking brain was back on so we headed out.  My mom and I brought our dogs to come along, and they were very excited to go out on the trail.  Dexter, my mom's black lab/newfoundland mix, likes to cut into the woods or run ahead, checking things out.  Bear moves between my mom and I, guarding us from the sides and rear.  It's a good system, and the horses like the feeling of security.

We got out on the four wheeler trail after crossing a meadow, and Rocky was in the lead with a confident stride.  Normally when we go out on trail rides with a group, Rocky ends up in the back and middle of the pack.   He's not a fast guy, in fact, there have been jokes made about how slow he can be.  Tapper is slower than Rocky is- to the point that we can turn around and ride back to where Tapper is plodding along.

We did that for a bit, and then we came upon a stand of young poplar trees.  Rocky stopped and his head shot up, eyes wide. He then began to side step.  I asked him to flex and he refused, mouth and neck hardened against my ask so that he could stare into the trees.  At this point I'm getting worried, because he is clearly alarmed at the trees and is resistant to following my directions.  I look over, and Tapper has also frozen, his eyes showing white.

Tapper has been generally unflappable to this point, so the fact that his front feet are planted and he looks like someone just told him he will never get grain again made me go "aww shit..." I then look at my mother... who is trying to look over Tapper's head to see what he is scared of.  She looks mildly concerned, but more curious about what's going on.

I take all of this in and realize that one of these horses is going to try to flee the scene very soon, and when one goes, the other will be with him like a shot.  I start pulling harder on my rein to get Rocky to flex, and tell my mom that she should flex Tapper, too.  She goes, "oh, yeah, he does seem kind of scared..."

At this point, I'm scared.  My mom can't afford to get hurt, and I would really rather not get hurt myself.  My response to her casual statement?

"NO! You need to flex him NOW!!"  It made my mom jump, and she quickly began to pull Tapper's nose in to her boot.  At about that time, Rocky finally gave me his face a bit so we stood there and flexed our horses until they were at least responsive to us. After they had relaxed a bit, I explained to my mom that when Rocky is really scared, I can feel his heart beat through the saddle.  This was one of those times, and I could tell that Tapper was ready to panic, too.

We had a good laugh about it later, joking about my mom "getting us killed" by trying to figure out what the horses were so scared of rather than addressing their fear.

The rest of the ride went well, but we had to hurry back as the skies were starting to get stormy dark.  We made it back in time for a few sprinkles to start, but we decided to take some quick pictures anyway.

Rocky, Bear and I. You can see the storm coming in the back ground!

Bear and Dexter were tired boys on the drive home!

It was a good trip, and I can't wait to do it again!

The Poster Debacle

I may have just done something bad. And by bad, I mean potentially harmful to my relationship with my sister. I am really hoping that she won't be angry with me. Let me explain.

Over the weekend of December 17, my family all met at the halfway point between where my sister and the rest of us (Mom, Dad, Justin and I) live. I believe I blogged about it previously. It went really well, no snide remarks or hurtful comments, blah blah blah. Anyway. My sister's boyfriend, "B", and I got to actually talk for the first time... ever, really. And they're pretty serious about each other, or at least that's what I'm hearing from my sister, "K."

B told me about himself, including that his dream was to be a comic book illustrator, and he went to school for it for 2 years. I thought, COOL! and had a great idea. I asked him if he would make Justin, my Dungeons and Dragon playing, gaming, nerdy husband into a comic book hero. It could be this awesome poster, and could also include our household pets whom Justin adores, as his "sidekicks." Super cool, right? B and K seemed excited about it too, and B said that he could do it and asked me to send him pictures of everybody- Justin, Bear, Bennett, and Fox.

In the beginning of January, I sent out the email with pictures and descriptions of what Justin's outfit should look like, preferred weapons, etc. and asked if they could have it done by the end of January for Justin's birthday. K said that should be fine, so I waited until the week before Justin's birthday (last week of January) and emailed back asking about a date that it could be finished. No reply. I talked to K on the phone and she said that she reminded B about it, and he said, "Oh shit, I completely forgot! I feel like such an asshole," and that he began working on it that night. I thought, 'Ok, it might be a bit late for Justin's birthday but it's been started, so that's not so bad.' 2 weeks go by and still, I hear nothing.

I email back on February 13, asking if B could just let me know how it's going, if he can still do the poster or not, and if so, when I could expect it to be done.

Nothing.

I emailed again on February 20 (for those of you not wanting to count, I waited another week) and asked the same questions as I did in the last email. At this point, I just want to know if I am getting a poster or not. I told him that Justin had asked if I had been scammed, as he was still waiting for his birthday present.

Nothing.

So today (6 days after the last nice email I sent), I sent this:
Hey B*,
I wish I had another way to contact you, but this is all I've got. Just forget doing that poster for me, it's way past when I wanted it and I have heard absolutely nothing from you about it. So I guess I am telling you that you won't hear from me again about it. I'm really disappointed, not just that I didn't get the poster, but that you have failed to say anything to me about it, even "I don't know" or "I can't do it." Either of which would have been fine, and much better than waiting for almost 2 months with no reply. I was really excited about this opportunity, but I would have understood if you had told me that you didn't have time, didn't want to do it, or that I would need to wait X amount of time for it. Perhaps you have a legitimate reason for not responding to any of my emails, but at this point I feel disrespected and angry that I wasted all of this time waiting for nothing. I really hope that you are better at communicating and more respectful to my sister than you have been to me. I don't like to bring her into this, except that she deserves to be with someone who will be a great partner and honestly, your complete lack of follow through on this endeavor concerns me. I apologize if there is some reason I have not heard from you that will explain what has happened here in a logical way.
Sincerely,
(my name)

Also, when someone emails B (at his business email address- by the way, he owns his own business- and it's the only email I have for him) I think everyone at the business (or at least my sister, who works part time for B) also gets the emails.

So I'm hoping she doesn't read it and get pissed at me, and/or that it doesn't cause a rift between them.

I feel like I wasn't too over the top, or hateful, or disrespectful, but I also feel like he needs to know how I feel about what happened. I also waited to write it until I was calmer about it (there was a day last week that I was absolutely furious, and wrote an extremely nasty email in my head).

A part of me is hoping that he reads it and sends an apology email stating that the poster is done and he's sorry for not saying anything sooner.

Another part of me is scared that he'll be pissed. Yet I am also halfway expecting no reply at all, simply a continuation of the non communication.

Which should be interesting if they come up to visit in April...