Honey

This is Honey.  She was my first horse, and I got her when I was about to turn 13. This picture shows off her summer coat pretty well- a pretty (honey) toned palomino.  Her winter coat was a bit different...

See? Her coat got lighter and dappled. She was a friendly, personable horse who liked oranges and playing in rivers.  She could be bossy and a dressage clinician once dubbed her a "baby sitter" horse. I think the clinician meant it as a bad thing but it worked for us. I didn't know a lot when I got her, so for a while she was taking care of me.  As I got older and more experienced, I was able to take over a bit.  She liked to be in control but as I figured out how to be the boss, her moments of testing me got fewer and further between.  Honey was never mean, never tried to hurt me, she only wanted to know where she was in the hierarchy.

I had two of my cousins ride her bareback once, the older one in front of the younger one.  They were probably 12 and 10 years old, and I lunged them around me while Honey had only a halter and lead rope on.  I asked her to trot with them, and she gave them the smoothest trot I had ever seen out of her.  They were able to sit it without difficulty or any real horse experience.  This was one of those times that, looking back, was a bad decision on my part but Honey made it work.  My cousins didn't fully appreciate her efforts to keep them safe, but I did. 

When I rode her for the first time, her trot was bouncy and fast.  She was nervous but doing as I had asked. It took a while for her to settle down and smooth out after I got her. 

I remember the first time we were able to canter a figure 8. We took up the whole arena but I felt so accomplished. This was a few years after I had a confidence shattering fall from her, and it had taken me over a year to begin feeling comfortable cantering again. 

I think about her still, sometimes when I am working with Rocky and think "I already taught Honey this" or "I wish I could have known how to do this when I had her." She pops up in my head fairly frequently, despite the fact that it's been 3 years since she died. In January I get sad and depressed for a while, and I don't know why until I remember that January is the month she was sick, the month I had a chance to save her and  it wasn't enough.  She died February 8.   So far, in the Januarys since her death, I take a few hours to pull out the scrapbook I made about Honey, and weep. And remember.

Yesterday she would have turned 15. Somehow, I want her to know that I'm still thinking about her, I miss her and love her. 

Happy Birthday, Honey. 

AARRRGHHH!

It's official, today I am an idiot.  I have student loans to repay, and was paying from two different sources for a while. Then, one of the websites changed, but I didn't change with it.  Somehow, my mind decided I was paying on both loans from the one site... but not so much. Not since last December.  Although, I suppose that makes me an idiot since last December.

I now have a standing balance of $1356 on my loan, after just paying $200 more of that off after discovering the new website.  And my credit is likely in the shitter, I haven't looked lately but damn.  I feel SO. DUMB. When the link from the emails didn't work, I didn't pursue it, just let it drift quietly away in my mind.  We are trying to save up money to buy a house (and get good credit scores for the same reason) and we're pretty much fucked for a while now. I wish I could post something to the credit gods to explain what happened. And that such a statement would matter.

So, so, SO stupid.

Also, the internet ate 3 of my previous blog posts. I put a thing up in the blogger site asking for the archived blogs that must (must?) exist somewhere.... somewhere the internets have them.  Somehow they got deleted when I tried to tag them on Justin's iPad, but when I went into them, they were blank. Gonzo, just deleted.

Please excuse me while I beat my head against the wall.

50%

A few years ago, there was a statistic that said 50% of American marriages end in divorce.

That's half- cup half full or half empty, either way, that is a staggering amount of people who tie the knot and then cut ties. (Enough cliches for ya?)

Before I got married (and occasionally even now) that statistic scares me.  I think I heard that it's less than that now, down to 34% or something like that, but still.  That's a heckuva lot of people.

And then, the other day, I saw the answer. It was plain as day. And it filled me with rage when I saw it, and then pity at all of the people watching the same program I was who didn't realize that what they were watching was complete and utter garbage.

I'm talking about Khloe' and Lamar, and every other shit "reality" TV show like it.   On the show (I watched 2 episodes, and will never get that time back. EVER. It haunts me...) Lamar doesn't sleep.  He is up most of the night, and occasionally sleeps for an hour or two.  I don't know if he's on drugs or what, but that on its own is crazy. Not the worst thing I saw, though.

So Khloe' complained about needing a bit more sleep, something closer to what most humans need to, you know, survive.  Lamar wouldn't let her sleep, kept bouncing around in their bedroom, talking to her and acting like a hyper five year old. And Khloe' not only allowed this, but fed into it.  She tries to look up things to help her darling husband sleep, and tries these whale songs, a massage, I think there were even some essential oils.

Lamar tried it for less than 10 minutes, then resumed being loud and annoying.  So, what does Khloe' do? Do they have an adult conversation where she says, "Sweetheart, I know you can't sleep, and that's ok," -not normal, but moving on- "but I need to get some rest.  Would you find something quiet to do in another part of the house so I can get some sleep?" and he could say, "Sure, I'm sorry I've been keeping you up.  Good night!"

Nope. Not even close.

Instead, she tries to drug her husband without his knowledge so that he will sleep.  I'm going to repeat that: she tried to DRUG her HUSBAND so that he would sleep. Without his knowledge or consent. One of their 'friends' was there and saw her slip the pills (yup...) into Lamar's tea, which she was then going to have him drink.  The friend warns Lamar and he doesn't drink the "sleepy time" tea.

Now, this is where I would have fiery rays of rage spewing from my eyes as I freaked out at my significant other for attempting to drug me.  WHO DRUGS THEIR PARTNER?!?! And who doesn't get at least a little angry that their partner decided to drug them rather than have a real conversation about what was going on? Take a wild guess.

Lamar takes this opportunity to realize that his wife was serious, she DOES need to sleep, so he calls a friend (another one?) to come hang out at their house while Khloe' sleeps.

The End. (That really was the end of the episode.)

I understand where that 50 (or 34) % is coming from now.  And I don't feel scared for myself or the married people I know.   We know how to have a conversation rather than resorting to drastic measures to fix things.  It's not always pretty, it's not always perfect, but dammit, I know I don't have to look for floating pieces of pills in my hot chocolate.

                 

Cantering

I have been working with Rocky on cantering.  He isn't the most motivated horse in terms of momentum, which is a nice way of saying that he tends to be lazy.  So cantering is something that requires a big, deep breath, a lot of effort, and can be stopped very abruptly.  He has good brakes!  He is learning that he needs to move out the first time I ask him, and if he doesn't, he will be told.

I need to be more consistent in not allowing him to slow down (trot) unless I ask him.  Sometimes he unbalances me a bit when he suddenly veers off course, then while I am trying to redirect him and rebalance, he uses that time to drop to a trot. Nobody said he wasn't smart! Next time I'll try to ignore his change of direction in order to get him to maintain his momentum and THEN redirect where his feet are going.

I tried to do some figure 8's in the arena at a canter, and it's clear he doesn't know how to do a flying lead change.  The poor guy would start to try to turn, then drop to a trot to switch, then quickly resume cantering but on the new lead.  Rocky tries hard for me and is smart, but this is an area that is gray for me, too. I tried to watch a few youtube videos on lead changes, but they weren't very helpful.

One of my goals for this summer is to invest in some riding lessons with Randi, the person I board with.  She does a great job and I am confident that my riding and training will improve with her tutelage.   My other goal is to canter confidently out on the trails.  I was doing that a little bit last year, but then Rocky bolted with me and my self assurance was lowered.

Cantering in the arena has been a good way for me to get comfortable with the gait again, and I have loped near the barn once already this year.  I keep telling myself that the next time I am out on the trail, I'll try it, but then I remind myself that I don't have to go from 0 to 60.  I need to get out on the trails more, period, before pushing myself to let him canter out there.  Rocky's energy is higher out on the trails than in the arena, and he can be a speedy guy.  I want to make sure that he will be "with" me and not just go for a run while I happen to be clinging to his back.

My palms started sweating just thinking about it.  Ok, I need to bring myself back down from the sudden torrent of panicky, terrible visions of what cantering out on a trail could bring.  The goal is fun, controlled, and not scary.  I know we can do it.

Bravery

It's been a year, but it's official: Fox is no longer scared of Bear. This morning, Bear jumped up on the bed (as usual) to take a 'nap.'  Generally, his 'nap' consists of licking/sitting/laying on me, chewing on a rawhide that he occasionally drops to the floor with a bang, and actually sleeping.  Generally Bear is on the bed for roughly half an hour, then he goes back to his kennel to sleep.  Fox takes this opportunity to come sleep on my back, often rubbing his cheek on mine and purring happily.

Bear and Fox trade off getting to be on the bed in the morning until I get up.  This morning, Fox decided that he was no longer going to put off getting petted and the comfort of sleeping on my back while Bear was lounging beside me. Fox jumped up right in front of Bear, walked past him, and SAT DOWN PURRING!  Bear looked startled, and tried to tentatively sniff Fox.  And Fox didn't care.  He FINALLY figured out that Bear has never and will never try to eat/hurt/maim him.

My mighty orange cat seems to have gotten over his irrationally long lived fear of the 72 pound beast.  There is even another example of his bravery already this morning.

Bear came into the bathroom to see me, bypassing Fox who was sitting just outside the door.  Fox sat his ground.  Then, Bear tried to leave and felt uncomfortable going back past the Mighty Orange Cat.  He whined and bowed to Fox, then carefully trotted past him.  Fox not only sat his ground, but he sat back on his haunches, front paws in the air.  He didn't hit Bear, but was prepared to defend himself.

Someday, maybe, they could even play together. For now, the Medal of Valor goes to...