Bear

My new dog is probably going to the bathroom downstairs as I write this. He's four months old now, and almost completely potty trained...except when he's left alone downstairs.

Okay, he's laying like a good boy at the bottom of the stairs. We'll see how long that lasts. He's really quite smart, and affectionate in his bumbling way. My little Bear has grown to 23 pounds the last time my dad weighed him a few days ago. It's amazing how fast he's growing, when we got him a month and a half ago, he weighed closer to 10 pounds. His back is only a few short inches from being level with the seat of our couch and he can easily rest his chin on our bathtub. Bear's paws are ticklish and it has taken him a little time to get used to having them wiped off when he comes in from outside. So far, he has been miraculously good at not destroying our things; apart from the occasional bathroom accident, he hasn't chewed up or shredded anything of ours.

He's also been wonderful with the cats, who seem to have mutually decided to not like him. Bennett is starting to accept him and takes most of his attempts to play with her in stride. She is the brave one, and will sit her ground, watching him with her steady gaze until he backs down. If he gets too close too many times, she will raise her paw and hiss as he scoots away. She's actually hit him twice now, the first time requiring a trip to the vet for the scratch she put on his eye. After having an ointment and eye drops put on his eye twice a day and a cone around his neck for 3 days, Bear's eye has healed without incident. The second time she tapped his nose and there was no injury. He has since become adept at dodging and is careful not to get into her space too much, unless he forgets himself in his desire to play.
Fox, on the other hand, is the scared-y cat. He watches Bear from his various perches, appearing engrossed in whatever Bear is doing. If Bear gets too close, the hair along Fox's spine stands on end and his back arches. If Fox becomes truly "frightened," his tail puffs up and he growls low in his throat. I say "frightened," however, because Fox continues to sneak around in order to watch Bear, occasionally appearing to want to play with him. It seems Fox loses his nerve and scampers away only to test his own daring again a few minutes later.

I worry about how Bear will do this summer. His coat is incredibly dense, built for withstanding harsh winters. That's the Husky in him, or as the vet suggested, potentially Akita. The rescue said he was a German Shepherd/Husky mix, but who knows? His fur is soft like a stuffed toy, but it keeps him well insulated. He already gets hot easily in 50 degree weather; what will it be like when it's 80? The vet said to keep him inside during the summer and only walk him in the early morning or late evening. Sure enough, when it's -10 next winter, he'll be begging to go for long walks. Luckily, he seems to enjoy relaxing much of the time, so maybe it won't be so bad.

People always look surprised when I say I got him from an animal rescue; apparently he doesn't look like a "shelter dog." After getting him, I've had many people tell me that a German Shepherd/Husky mix is a great dog, and much better than either purebred. A part of me thinks that I should have done more research than I did before getting him, but I had been interested in a German Shepherd. I did a search online and found him, couldn't get his face out of my head. When we drove down to get him the same day we were moving houses (because that's exactly how life works) I knew it was him the second I saw him. A lady was carrying Bear and his brother in her arms. As soon as I saw him, I knew this was my dog.

(read this in private)

To: Keri, on her 13th Birthday
(read this in private)
Love From:
Katie

Keri~
You turning 13 makes me think, damn! I should write her something profound... like one of those sayings at Bible & Books. Then I thought a little more & realized that if I did that, you might die of shock & then shit... I'd be responsible for the death of my sister... that'd suck.

So anyway, the point is, I'm writing you a letter... hopefully to enlighten you, and make your adolescence easier. (because I, hopefully, have been through the toughest parts)

Alright, sappy time:
I know I can be hard on you, and very demanding of you. I also realize that I force you (rather harshly sometimes) to be more mature than your years. I know that sometimes you must think I'm a real bitch (and frankly I am... sometimes)
but you should also realize that I do this out of love. What I really want is for your life to be easier, and so I force you to do/think about things that society says you're not ready for... well, you know what a mold breaker I am, and that for the most part I think what society says is bullshit. I believe that if people are informed about more things they'll make better choices. I'm really trying to protect you, so you won't make the same bad choices I did. I protect you because I love you.

Okay, sappy's done... now tidbits of wisdom, from someone who grew up really fast... and then discovered she still has a lot of growing up to do!
1) mom & dad are always right...
2) even if they're wrong, they're RIGHT!!
3) don't confuse sex with love... if someone really loves you, they won't give a damn about sex, kissing, ect. (get my drift?)
4) have sex when you're ready to have a baby
5) trust mom & dad, even though they act like dumbshits sometimes, they still know quite a bit
6) ask questions... about everything! you'll be surprised the people you meet/things you'll learn about them
7) don't be afraid to say "I love you" to someone, but always mean it
8) never let anyone think they're better than you because of a physical/material thing
9) don't be afraid to ask for help... especially from Mom & Dad, and me :)
10) brown leather + black leather = BAD
11) take advice w/grain of salt

I'm starting to black out from lack of sleep, so before I start writing/spelling weird things I gotta get sappy again.

You know I'm going away, but really... w/computers & phones we'll still be able to talk & I want you to know you can always count on me to be there for you, NO MATTER WHAT! so if you have a problem, you better call me. I love you honey :) and no matter what (even if you get to be 3 feet taller than me & 600 pounds heavier) you'll always be my baby sister.

Love,
Katie

My sister

My sister is a drug addict and an alcoholic. I have known she uses pot since I was 13 or 14, but I just recently realized she is addicted to pot and alcohol. She uses them to cope with her depression.

Today it just hurts. I want so badly for her to want to have a relationship with me, and she says she does... but actions speak louder than words. I know in her way she loves me, but she can't (or doesn't) spend the effort to make a relationship with me.

She is going to be the Maid of Honor at my wedding. I don't know how I feel about it anymore. I wasn't going to pick her, but then the friend I was going to choose also doesn't ever contact me without me having to say something first. Then my mom wanted me to choose my sister- wants, really, for our family to be whole and happy when it isn't. But for my wedding day we can all pretend and put on our nice clothes with our hair done up and the pretty makeup, say nice things in speeches and cry at the first dance, then go our separate ways. To an outsider, you might not notice the tensions under the excitement of a wedding, or the seemingly small comments made from one party to the next, comments that express years of hurt and anger without really saying it.

It would be great for her to- change, really. I struggled over that word choice but I think it fits. But people don't really change much, do they? She has so much potential, ability and good to give to the world, and it's being squandered and squelched by her addictions and untreated mental illness. The hurt just keeps being pushed around, some drifting here or there and simply adding up like dust bunnies over the years.

I keep imagining this Talk that we could have. During our Talk, I would tell her how hurt I am by her not being in my life, how she should go to therapy, quit smoking and drinking to cover up her feelings and fulfill her potential as a person. She would listen and we would cry, and then at the end we would say we love each other and she would do it all. The relationship between her and my parents would heal, they would realize that all along they'd been struggling to come together. I realized after I typed it that I said "my" parents, but this is fairly accurate. They are her biological parents, they love and try to support her but in the end, there isn't much there. Just like between her and myself.

How can you know someone you never talk to, and when you do talk, it's reminiscing about being eight when running barefoot through the woods was the most complicated thing you had to do. My stupid heart loves her, even though she hasn't given me any reason to feel that way in- my God, at least 6 years. Yet, when we're together we can click back together. Maybe that's because I still fucking worship the ground she walks on because I have always adored her. I took whatever shit she handed me for a relationship and treasured it. She could show up on my doorstep after not speaking to me for years and I would take her in. I won't give up hope for her.

I won't give up hope for her. Some days it seems like trying to hold onto sand in a sieve. Is it worth it? She gives no indication of caring, other than random texts of when she's found something that makes her think of me. These give me hope.

She doesn't know that we're moving yet, or that I've found a puppy I want to get. I was going to tell her but, even after scheduling a time to call her, she didn't answer. I try not to be surprised when stuff like that happens, and I try not to let it sting, especially when the reason for her not picking up when I call is, "I ended up staying at so-and-so's house longer than I meant to."

Is it sad that I just got the urge to have a shot of Sour Apple Pucker? I won't do it because that might make me an alcoholic (which runs rampant through my family) and I don't want to depend on it to feel better. It doesn't make you feel better, anyway, it just puts the problem on the back burner until you're not drinking anymore.

I miss her.

Whirlwind

Sunday afternoon

I was searching Craigslist, once again hoping to find a listing for a house that would suit us. I found three, and promptly sent inquiries about going to see the house for rent. The first two sent back eerily similar replies, although from two different addresses and names. The first reply was about a woman who had purchased a house where I live but had moved to Nigeria to be a part of some Christian organization. She wanted to "stand in our trust" and to know that "we would take care of her house as though it were our own," so that "she would be pleased to see it when visiting." She continued on to say that if we were serious about wanting to rent her house, to send a long list of information. She would then pray to the Almighty Father (whom she never makes a decision without consulting) and speak to her family about it. Then she would see about getting papers and keys. The entire email screamed scam, so I forwarded it to Justin for a little laugh and deleted it.

The second reply, as I said, was much like the first, except this time the woman was not in Nigeria. She had moved a few hours away and not to join a Christian organization, but otherwise the wording was much the same. Yet another scam.

The third was from a housing company that I had wanted to rent from previously due to their wonderfully accessible website, but they didn't have anything at the time that would work for us. Now, they had a home that I was rather excited about. This email requested that I call for more information, and I did. They had just listed this home and the man, "Scott," had not yet seen it and needed to check a few things before showing it. He said they would allow us to have our two cats, and to get a dog! He said he wanted to look at it on Monday, and asked me to call him Tuesday morning to set up a showing. I happily agreed, and began filling out their online application.

Monday morning

I stopped in to the housing office to drop off our rent application fees. The young man at the front desk, "Jan," (pronounced 'yawn;' he really did have a unique name like this so I kept it close to the original) asked if we had seen the property yet. I had to say no, and he told me they didn't take application fees until after the person had seen the place. Reasonable. He said he could hold on to it for me so that they could start processing as soon as we had seen and okayed the place.

I spent the rest of the day anxiously anticipating tomorrow.

Tuesday morning

Scott calls me and sets up a 5pm appointment for this same day. I text Justin and make sure my awesome boss is okay with me leaving for an hour or two to check out a house. She says yes.

Tuesday, 5 pm

Ok, so we got there 20 minutes early. I was just a little excited. On the way to the house, we cross a State Trail that goes for miles only two blocks from the house. A perfect place to walk a dog, no? We also took the time to walk down the street a little, where there is a marina on the Bay. We have lake access! We glance around at the neighboring houses, a quiet community with well maintained homes, a community garden and fenced in backyards. We check out the house's backyard, boasting a chain link fence and a garden shed. There is also a nice bench beneath what I'm hoping is a large lilac bush.

The Realtor arrives to find us standing in the porch, where the front door had been left open. The porch has a large bank of windows facing the Bay and providing a sort of mud room before you get to the 'real' front door. We enter the house and it's lovely. A great kitchen, complete with modern appliances (no more setting the oven at 15 degrees below the desired temperature and then cooking food for 10-15 minutes less than you're supposed to, only to have it burnt!) and a dishwasher! There is even COUNTER SPACE, both next to the stove and out far enough from the cupboards so that my Kitchenaid mixer will fit on them! The cupboards are bright white, and the walls are deep pink. There is a dining room connected to a living room, so it feels like one big space. Then there is a back door with space to one side for shoes and coats. I discover what looks like an innocuous older-type door (one of the handles is white porcelain) that leads to both another door outside and the basement.

The basement reminds me just a little of Silence of the Lambs, when Starling goes into Buffalo Bill's basement. Without the moths and the psychopath (or the well), but still. A narrowish hallway with orange and brown 70's wallpaper. There is, however, a door leading to the single stall tuck under garage, a storage room, a washer and dryer, and an odd bathroom. There's a toilet sitting next to the dryer, and an old shower with white cracking tiles. I worry for a moment that this is THE bathroom, but then remember from the online photos that there is another bathroom upstairs. With relief, we go up.

The master bedroom has hardwood floors and space. They have a queen size bed in it and there is still comfortable room around it for dressers and walking. It has two closets, one normal closet size and the other a deep walk in. My hoards of clothes would have a place to live, and Justin's would, too!

The second bedroom is only a bit smaller than the master, with it's own walk-in closet. It also has hardwood floors and would be a perfect Man Cave for Justin.

The real bathroom has a deep, soaking tub with a shower as well. The ceiling curves down so that the shower curtain has to be pulled up the curved curtain rod, but it is designed in a way that works. The shower head is at the tallest part, so if you're standing you may do so comfortably. On the other side of the shower wall is installed shelving for towels. Of course there's the usual toilet and sink, with a cupboard under the sink and one of those mirrors that stores stuff behind it.

We tell Scott that we love the house and would like to move forward with the application process. He tells us that it may be a few days before we hear back if we were approved or not, and asks if we have any criminal history or unpaid bills. We say no and leave with high hopes.

Wednesday, 12:02 pm

I get a call from Jan, and he says that we are approved. I try not to freak out while on the phone with him, and schedule a time to sign the lease. I hang up, allow myself to freak out with excitement, and then call Justin. He's excited but has a conference call to get ready for and therefore must hang up.

I just had to spread the news.

We move in less than a week! :D

10 Things

Last night, I was watching OWN with my mom (yeah, that's Oprah Winfrey Network) and there was a show about people who are pretty much hoarders of stuff. As in, PILES of crap EVERYWHERE in their house, and it made me want to declutter my house. Again and more thoroughly than ever before! My mom was describing the show, and how they make the people who own the house take everything out and sort it, but they have a limited time in which to do so. One thing they made a lady do was choose 10 pairs of shoes and get rid of the rest.

At hearing this, my eyes widened and I began to think of my two wonderful hanging shoe racks. Plus the shoes littering the floor beneath my shoe racks that don't fit in them due to their size. I wondered, how would I narrow down my shoes to just 10?

1. My Ariat cowboy boots. LOVE these and they're necessary for horseback riding. I searched for a while to find a pair of Ariat boots in a color other than regular black or brown. These have a red-brown hue, warm. Additionally, the first time I slid my feet into them I remember going, "Oh My God, these are amazing!" - SO MUCH BETTER than the last pair I'd gotten and worn holes through from Wal-Mart.

2. My Ariat winter riding boots. I just got them and they are GREAT- my feet stay warm, I have some traction and I can still ride with a safe boot.

3. My Mukluks. Super warm, comfortable winter boots. Better than any other winter boot I've owned previously.

4. My red Converses that I designed myself. They're still in good shape, I designed what they look like myself, and are personalized with PunksKidRock. The soles are white rubber with a red stripe, the entire outside is red and the tongue has a white background with gray, black and red barbed wire print. The inside of the shoes have the same barbed wire print as the tongue, and I chose red laces. I love these shoes and get compliments on them almost every time I wear them, plus it's fun to tell people I designed them.

5. My red peep toe heels. Justin got them for me when I was feeling really down, and they are gorgeous shoes. They have cut outs and I think they make my feet look pretty. Plus, they're more comfortable to walk in than most heels.

6. The black slouchy suede boots. I got these at Macy's and they were originally $100, but they were the last pair in the store. They fit me, including my calves (!) and were 50% off. Plus, I had a $25 gift certificate so I ended up paying $27. They're sexy and comfortable.

7. Purple suede, ruffled pointy toe flats. They sound and look like heels without being heels. I got them in Chicago when I went to Oprah with my mom, sister, and cousin, also at Macy's. I paid full price for them, but at $70 they were worth it. I feel special in these shoes.

8. Gold flats- my "sun" shoes. These were also purchased in the same Macy's on that same trip to Chicago, but they were in the clearance section. They have a small platform that gives me a little extra height without being heels, and have a round gold beaded disc on the front. Otherwise they're basically fancy flip flops, but that's just it: they're fancy and summery. They go with a LOT of outfits and look better than $5 flippies.

9. Deep red ankle boots. I can wear them with pants over them without having to have unnecessary boot length nearly reaching my knees. They have kitten heels and a pointy toe, effectively lengthening my leg line (thanks Stacy and Clinton) without making me totter around in "real" heels. Plus they're just snappy.

10. The last pair. The black pumas with the gold stripe. This adds a second sneaker to the collection, warmer than my Converses because they're leather. I got these at a Puma outlet store with Justin and I think they were half off.

So that's it. The 10 pairs of shoes I would save above the rest. I realize when I look over this list that 4 of them are in the red family, but I think I have enough variety in styles that I'd be able to dress for nearly any occasion. Maybe I SHOULD downsize...

Champagne Taste on a Beer Budget

Well then, it's been quite a while since I've last written- since last October, according to my blogger time keeping thing. I'd best get to updates!

Wedding Stuff
Well, we were going to go with a young man named Max Caven to do our photography, until a friend of mine said that he often misses appointments. For example, he was supposed to show up at 7am and instead arrived at someone's house at midnight. The control freak in me does not want someone to photograph my wedding that may or may not show up on time, if at all. I have a small nervous breakdown just thinking about it. So, we are going with Michelle Sternberg, whose photos are lovely and prices are reasonable. I keep forgetting to call her and discuss which photography package we want, mostly because I don't know how long I want/need her for, and don't want to be off in either direction. Have her leave too soon, and she could miss an important moment. If she's there too long, we pay her to sit and/or dance around with all of the guests. Bah. I don't know what time we are starting the ceremony, either.
On a more clear cut note, we got our wedding bands! Hurrah for Valentine's Day sales!

Rocky Stuff
Oh boy did I spend money yesterday. I got Rocky a GORGEOUS new saddle that was everything I had wanted in a new saddle. It's a brand new Circle Y trail saddle, originally intended for gaited horses but for some reason fits Rocky perfectly. Apparently for a Quarter Horse, he has a back like a Tennessee Walker. (Although, I did hear that Circle Y was wishing they hadn't named this series of saddles the Trail Gaiter, just because people would assume they are for gaited horses only.) At any rate, it has an amazing cinch system that is rather challenging to describe.
There, a picture! Except mine is the rich brown Walnut shade, not Regular Oil as pictured here. Anyway, the cinch. You start to tighten the girth normally, but then you put the strap through the second little C ring (yup, I don't know what it's called and their website didn't seem to name it) that hangs down beneath the cantle. So it tightens in a triangle shape that helps keep the saddle on from two different directions.
Then, because this saddle is shaped uniquely- and by that, I mean it has a tiny skirt in back- I got the saddle pad that goes with it, in brown felt with Walnut leather trim. And since I was already ordering the saddle pad online and a girl has got to have matching equipment... I got the matching breast collar, too. I resisted getting the bridle as well for a few reasons. One, I really like the headstall and reins I have right now because they have clips to make changing bits easy. Two, because the matching headstall didn't have aforementioned clips, and three, I didn't want to spend yet more money when I am happy with what I have.

I got Rocky his hackamore when I got his saddle. I now ride without a bit in Rocky's mouth, and it's amazing how much better he is with it. He was leaning on the soft snaffle bit I'd outfitted him with earlier, and it took a while to convince him to curve into turns rather than resist them. Additionally, he became scared while trail riding and bolted with me. The snaffle bit did nothing to stop his headlong rush back to the barn, whereas the new hackamore has enough "bite" to it to stop such a charge. It's still a light enough bit to cue gently, but will back me up if needed. It is a favored bit for barrel racers due to it's ability to encourage great turns and quick stops without being overly harsh. We may try barrel racing one day, but for now, it'll be nice to know I've got Whoa! when I need it.

Other Stuff
My job is going well! I got a lovely raise and sincerely enjoy work on most days. My boss is amazing and the girls I work with can be incredibly rewarding. I also joined a book club, and our second meeting is coming up soon. For the first month, we read Alice in Wonderland, and now we're reading Alice I Have Been, in order to compare the two. I very much enjoy the person who invited me. She boards her horse where I have Rocky so we've gone riding together as well, and she is a kind, intelligent and funny person. A harder combination to find than one might think.

We are trying to find a new place to live before our current lease is up on April 15. We could renew said lease, but I desperately want a puppy and a real bedroom that is not in a basement, both of which are not possible where we live. I just found a place today that I emailed about that could be great, and I am praying it will work out. It is within walking distance of a beach, has 3 bedrooms and says cats and dogs are okay. Plus, it's within our price range, so it is attainable if someone else doesn't snatch it up first.
Simultaneously, we are considering trying to buy our own house, but are uncertain of whether or not the bank would give us such a loan. We have a good chunk of money going out in various loans that we already have, and they probably take up too large of a percentage of our income for the bank to feel comfortable granting us such a sizable amount of money.

I think I want a German Shepherd.

Life Update

It has been an eternity since I wrote last. Much has happened! I like lists, so I'll make one!
1. We have a new cat! His name is Fox, and he's an orange striped tabby we adopted from an animal shelter. He is boisterous and loves attention when he is not busy playing or wrestling with Bennett, who by the way, loves him. She was mad at me for a while for getting him but I think she's getting over it. Fox and I have the same birthday, according to his records from the shelter.
2. I have a wedding dress! And tiara, necklace, and earrings! Plus, I got my ears pierced, which wasn't nearly as painful as I had dreaded it to be.
3. Most days I love my job. Today we ate candy and watched Zombieland to celebrate Halloween. Every day isn't like that, but the point is, there are some days when I get paid to watch movies and have fun with teenage girls. Plus, there's the whole "helping change someone's life for the better" bit that always feels good, and making important connections to the students. It's never boring!
4. I love where I board Rocky. They take excellent care of him, are very kind, and I don't have to worry about him. My mom might be buying one of their horses, which would be AWESOME!
5. We are going to look at trying to buy a house. I'm incredibly excited and a bit nervous about it, but I am praying we can find a house in our budget that we like, in a good neighborhood, and that we can move into around March or April...
6. ...for several reasons. One, our lease is up in April where we are now and the neighbors are crazies. They have woken us up yelling and have started smoking again, which in summer blows right in the windows. Gross. Two, I really, REALLY want to get a dog, and our landlords won't let us have one. Three, Captain is breeding in January and the puppies should be ready to go around May. My birthday month. Coincidence? I think not.


Life today is good.