Punks Kid Rock is the registered name of my American Quarter horse gelding, Rocky. This blog chronicles our adventures together,
as well as stories from my horse past and, occasionally, a tidbit from my non horse life.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Panic at the Keyboard


I feel mentally awake but physically tired and I have a lot to say. I babbled to my husband but I don't feel like he gets what I'm feeling and pretty much just wants to sleep right now. So internets, it has come to this. Time to vomit my feelings in type and throw them out to cyberspace, even if no one ever reads it.

I'm 25 and in my life plan that I was thinking about 2 years ago and discussed with Justin (hubby) I would have been pregnant right now.  As in, we would have gotten pregnant in June or July so we could have a March baby so that after my 3 months of maternity leave it would have been June, when my mom doesn't have work for the summer (teacher) and could babysit.  Oh yeah, I plan this shit.

Instead at the end of June I quit the job I have for 3 years because it was giving me terrible anxiety and there is absolutely no way I wanted to be pregnant in a job where throwing teenagers who are kicking and screaming to the floor and holding them there happens on a daily basis.  I spent the summer working construction with my Dad, trying to get a job (any job, corporate or sales) with maurices. I had decided I wanted to work my way into being a buyer for maurices but for what I'm sure are multiple and varied reasons they repeatedly did not hire me.

I applied for many jobs, and finally Younkers hired me in a part time position. I get my first paycheck tomorrow for one week's work and I really hope it's decent. Because, oh yeah, we're pretty much broke right now too, and so we get to try to prioritize what we are going to be able to pay with this check.  Even when I had time earlier this week, I didn't go see Rocky because I wanted to save my gas so I could wait longer before buying more.

Justin is talking about getting a second job, which I hate because he already works full time and earns twice as much per hour as I do currently- minus the commission I get on sales but I don't know what that will look like in terms of actual money on a paycheck.  I would get a second job but this is only my second week at Younkers, working as a Lancome cosmetic consultant and so far I have had one day off since last Tuesday.

I also have pretty limited experience with cosmetics, and I have been trying hard to learn fast (my counter manager says she loves me and I'm a quick study) but I don't want to be there forever. My plan is to work in retail sales for a few months and then try again for an office career with maurices.  Something I can work an 8-5, Monday-Friday schedule with all the benefits of a corporate position.

So I can start having kids.  And make a good paycheck.  See how that went full circle?

I feel like I'm getting old and I'm terrified of what being pregnant will do to my body and I don't want to be old and exhausted running after toddlers and other people seem to survive it but oh my God it looks scary. But also awesome. And when I told Justin I felt like I was getting old he laughed and was all, "No you're not," and I said, "But it's different for men! You can have kids when you're 70. Not that I recommend it." and he was like, "You're fine." Which I know logically is true but it doesn't feel true in this moment. And then he just came down and apologized for not being understanding enough and was all worried that I was pissed at him. Which I explained several times that I'm not angry, just generally upset so I'm writing it out so he can sleep and then I can sleep.

Also, working at Lancome is making me really stare at my face and worry about wrinkles, which I have never really cared about before. Their products are also expensive (but seem worth it) and the other day I wore Mary Kay lip gloss and a customer asked what I was wearing and I brought her over to the lip glosses and desperately made up that the brownish one that looks closest to the one I had on was what I was wearing, and that's why they want you to wear only their products while you're working. It makes sense, I'd love to but I can't afford to buy the stuff.

We made our pre sale goal for our gift with purchase so I get to pick out an item, but I can't decide which thing would make the most sense for me to get.  Foundation? Eyeshadow? One of the more expensive creams?  And oh God, my counter manager is going to have to explain to me what all of the things she is going to be giving to me do. I get some free sample product because I'm a new hire... and I have never used most of the stuff in my life.  For example, toner. It tones your skin... um... and you put it on your face... ack.

I don't seem to be able to have much of a social life, either. I have messaged two of my "friends" a few times and they have both not gotten back to me. I know they're busy with other aspects of their lives but I feel like I really put myself out there (for me, anyway) when I said that I could really use some time with her, and she never responded.  I have one friend who will reliably be my friend.  Everyone else seems like they could care less most of the time. That one friend happens to be living in South Korea right now.

I was hoping I could get myself to cry here but so far no luck, just that nagging teary feeling. Sorry this post is probably really spastic and sad, I'll try to make my next one a lot lighter.

To end on a good note, I really like this song:

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