The Fear Place, part 2

Before I continue my story from The Fear Place, I wanted to throw out a quick update to Ella. Yesterday, I finally heard back from her owner, who said that he is happy to have me work with her!  I am really excited to do this, and will definitely be posting our progress.  Unfortunately, I work a lot in the next week and so will not get a chance to start working with her until next week.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled blog entry.

The fear had taken over my mom.  Tapper had stopped when he reached Rocky and I, but a part of her knew that she should redo the hill.  The panicked part tugged quickly back on Tapper's reins, and he obligingly backed under a pine tree.  Snow tumbled down around my mom, and she had to hunch forward under the branches.  Her eyes were wide and I could tell that her mind had fractured with fear, not processing the situation clearly.

I suggested that she dismount and do some ground work, joking about "surviving the experience."  Her terse reply of "No shit!" told me where her head was, and it wasn't ready to ride.  She got off, and proceeded to lunge Tapper going up and down the hill.  Her cues were a little off, and she would tug him toward her at the bottom of the hill.  He obediently would turn and face her, but she hadn't meant to tug on him.  She would briskly send him off again, and he was starting to get agitated from all of the mixed signals.

I asked if she meant to pull him in, and she said no.  She stopped doing it then, now that she realized what was going on.  I told her to change his direction more frequently, which helps him to relax and gives her more to think about in terms of cuing properly rather than just letting Tapper trot around her.  Within a few turns, Tapper's eyes were quiet and calm.  He was doing what she asked without issue, but my mom hadn't completely left The Fear Place yet.

I pointed out that he was behaving himself and seemed over "his" issue.   She slowed herself down, and was able to agree with me.   I told her that instead of riding straight down the hill, which seems to make her more fearful, I suggested riding circles on it.  She ended up going down the hill to the side of the main trail where the slope wasn't as steep.  She rode up behind me, stopped and looked at me.

I told her to go do it again.

She let out a reluctant breath but she knew I was right.  She went down the hill twice more, each time becoming more confident as Tapper didn't put a foot wrong.   Finally her smile was back in place, and she was able to laugh about the experience.  I reminded her that she needs to work on just going up and down that hill until it gets boring for her. She said I was right, and that she would plan a time to do it one of the next times she went to the barn.

Working through fear isn't easy, and I'm not sure if it's something that ever completely leaves you.  With horses, nothing is ever guaranteed other than the fact that they can be unpredictable.  I love them anyway.

 

Sorry for the poor quality of this image, but it was the only one I could find of it! It's from Bonnie Timmons' book, "Hold Your Horses."  I recommend every horse aficionado own a copy. 

The Fear Place

I think we have all been there.  You took a new route, did the wrong thing at the wrong time, had something completely accidental happen.  Sometimes you luck out, and nothing bad comes of it even when it should have. Other times, you get hurt, perhaps even end up in the hospital.  Life can be like that, but with horses, the chances of getting injured go way up.

People handle these things in different ways.  Some are able to get up and go on like nothing ever happened.  Others are devastated, so traumatized that they give up riding for life.  Of course, there is every nuance of feeling between those two extremes, and most people land in the middle.

I had a bad fall while cantering that still causes me back pain now and again.  It has been over 6 years, and I am 90% over it.  I still get a little clutch in my belly before asking for it for the first time in any particular ride, but then it smooths out and I'm okay.

My mom's bad fall is something she is still working through, and it's what I wanted to highlight today.  I happened to be there for her fall, and have been helping her work through it since.  I had to dig my way out of my own worm hole, too afraid and ashamed to admit my fears or to know how to ask for help.  Now that I am on the other side, it is gratifying to reach out and offer empathy, support, and guidance.

Mom and Lady (ironic name) were going down a hill behind Rocky and I.  We were close to the barn, coming back from a very short trail ride. My mom is new to horses and to Lady in particular.  When Lady began to trot down the hill, it scared my mom so she attempted to pull her to a stop.  Lady was a dominant personality mare that my mom was learning to handle, but she hadn't been able to really gain Lady's respect.  Instead of stopping, Lady swerved to the side of the trail.  By this time, I had heard the hoof beats behind me speed up, so I had turned around in the saddle to make sure they were okay.

I saw Lady tuck her nose a bit, then kick out with both hind legs three times in a row.  By the third kick she had effectively bounced my mom out of the saddle.  She fell hard on her back and right side.  I was off Rocky and next to my mom as fast as I could be, where she gasped for breath.  Remembering what it felt like to get the wind knocked out of me, to try to stand up while hard fists were closed around my lungs was scary by myself.  I coached my mom to take slow, shallow breaths rather than claw for a big filling one.   I told her to stop trying to get up and just focus on getting air.

She listened, staying on her knees with her hands on the ground in front of her, trying not to cry and moan in pain while getting the necessary oxygen.  After what seemed like forever, but was probably 30 seconds or so, I could hear her breathing even out.  She was still half panting from pain but it was no longer as panicky.   I grabbed Lady then, and helped her slowly stand up.

We traded horses for the short walk back to the barn.  I didn't know if Lady would try to rush or push her way back, but I knew Rocky would be gentle.

I ended up taking my mom to the hospital, where they admitted her for two days.  It was one of the scariest drives of my life; I wanted to go fast to get there quickly, but take turns and stop carefully.   She had severely bruised her kidneys and they were worried she may have internal bleeding.   She was released after two days with painkillers and no internal damage other than bruising.

Since then, she has purchased a new horse named Tapper and gained new horsemanship abilities.  She is still learning, as all of us are, but has come a long way.

A few days ago, we had completed a decent trail ride with no mishaps.  Tapper started to trot down the same hill Lady had over a year before, and my mom panicked.  It brought back all of her memories of her fall and even though he stopped when he caught up to Rocky and I, only 15 feet ahead of them, the fear had taken over my mom.

To Be Continued...

Trail Ride

My mom, Mindy, is relatively new to being a rider and owner of a horse.  She always wanted a horse growing up, but was told she couldn't have one.  Now as an adult, she has taken the opportunity to purchase her own horse.  Her first horse ended up being a bad match which concluded with my mom in the hospital for two days. The horse (ironically named "Lady") bucked my mom off at the bottom of a hill on a short trail ride.  My mom had tried to flex her into a circle after Lady started trotting down the hill, and Lady decided it would be better to just offload my mom.  Lady is now with a more experienced family who adores her.   That whole debacle convinced my mom that she wants a calmer, more steady horse rather than one with attitude.  She also has been drooling over Norwegian Fjords for several years.

She now owns Tapper, a 6 year old Norwegian Fjord gelding. She boards him with Rocky, and they are friends in the same pasture.  Mindy takes riding lessons from our barn owner/manager, and listens to my advice as well.

Her goal is to trail ride, and someday train Tapper to pull a cart.  She has some fear issues due to the incident with Lady but has been much better about taking more regular lessons.  Tapper is a sweetheart, and his biggest issue at this point is that he can be pretty clumsy.  I think he's still growing into his large feet!

With all of that background, two days ago I went on a trail ride with my mom.  Rocky has been doing super well (I still have to write about a trail ride I did almost a month ago now...it's coming...) so I figured he'd be a good, steady trail horse for me while I watched over my mom.

We started out and it was really hot that day, close to 80 degrees plus some humidity thrown in for fun.  My mom said that she wanted to do the loop of the trail by the barn that we have already done before, and I was a bit disappointed.  The day before my BO and I went for a trail ride to the neighbor's trails, which were beautiful and a nice change of pace for me.

I agreed to do the smaller loop, and we were most of the way through when I stopped to chat with my mom for a bit.  I talked to her about her desire to go on day trip trail rides with Tapper, and how I want her to be confident doing trail rides at the barn before going on a ride in a new location.  She acknowledged my concerns and told me that her plan is to ride Tapper as much as possible this summer, getting more miles under their feet.

I offered to take her to the neighbor's trails again, as Tapper was doing well that day and so was Rocky.  She thought about it for a minute, and then decided to go for it.  She said, "I need to go by what Tapper is showing me, and he's fine. I'm the one that's worried."

We got over to the neighbor's trails, and talked about how pretty they are with their wide, grassy riding lanes and tall trees.   We rode down a gravel road to the back of the neighbor's property, then took a left past their burn pile.  Here, I stopped to watch my mom's face as we turned the corner to a long, beautiful stretch of trail.  It was grassy with a lot of pines on one side, and other deciduous trees on the other.  Her eyes lit up and she laughed in delight when she saw it, exclaiming, "Wow! This is gorgeous!"

I felt happy that I could be there with her when she got to enjoy her longest trail ride to date, and that it could go so well.  We even trotted together down that long, grassy lane, the dogs loping along beside us with grins on their faces.

One Week...

Ok, so it was one week yesterday.

Today, it's six days.

I had my first real bout of nerves yesterday, as I had my final dress fitting with the shoes after getting the dress altered. I was so, SO afraid that somehow the dress would be ruined and I would have to either pay tons to have someone fix it or find another dress that would work. Thankfully, the dress is not ruined and is almost perfect. There is no longer a ripple across my boobs, which was my biggest concern, so I think it was worth the money I spent with the tailor. The dress will sit perfectly but I will need to check it and tug the bottom of the bodice to make sure it lies flat; the tailor kept telling me that "the longer I wear it, the better it will fit."

Right.

So I am supposed to wear my dress for a while before the wedding. My pristine, white wedding dress can easily be worn...what, while baking? Watch movies in it? Is she KIDDING ME?! The second time she told me that I had to hold myself back from screaming at her. Generally I think I've done a good job of not being a Bridezilla, but this lady came close to making me snap. There is no way I am sitting around wearing my dress before the wedding. The number of things that could go wrong with this scenario makes me cringe just thinking about it. I have a dog and two cats, and even if they were locked away, their hair would still be present. What if I tripped and fell? I am definitely not a graceful person. Or got sweaty and had sweat-stains? Or thirsty or hungry or Justin comes home and sees me or it gets all wrinkled from me sitting- or am I supposed to stand around for several hours?

I know there are more things I could think of and I am probably being a little too dramatic, but this is... my wedding day. The bride is the main focus of the entire event; of course the groom matters, too, but who does EVERYONE want to see? The bride. I tried explaining this to someone yesterday, and I don't think he got it.

As a general rule, women are much more judgmental when it comes to how the bride looks. There is the inevitable comparison between what they wore/want to wear and the bride's choices. Additionally, how does the bride look in her chosen outfit? If you can't tell, I am feeling just a little nervous about the scrutiny. This is supposed to be the day when the bride looks her absolute best in every way.

It does make me feel better to think back on the other weddings I have attended, to see if I remember what others looked like. I am left with general impressions, but all of them amount to that the bride was happy and beautiful in her own way.

I have also started a list of things I need to get done before the wedding, or things I need to remember.
-Stickers on boxes (these are sunflower stickers on the boxes to hold candy at the reception as party favors)
-I need to find a pretty table or an adequate table with a table cloth for the wedding to hold the roses for those who cannot be at the ceremony (grandparents)
-Get a cake cutter and server (the implements, not the person)
-Pick up the marriage license after Wednesday
-Decide on ceremony music
-Choose a father/daughter dance song
-Choose and buy bridal party gifts
-Find/choose something old to wear for the wedding... I have blue and borrowed in my shoes (they are my soon to be sister-in-law's wedding shoes, and new in my wedding dress)
-Buy static guard
-Be at JCPenney's at 10:15 on Saturday to start getting everything done... manicure, pedicure, and hairstyle. I debated the mani and pedi but then I thought... heck, it's supposed to be the fanciest day of my life. I should get the full treatment.
-Let Molly and Michelle know the rehearsal times (DJ's wife/my boss and the photographer, respectively)
-Ask Molly to help with chair setup at the ceremony site, making sure the chair rental company sets them up correctly

There is probably more but I hope not. Oh, and then there's the planning for our honeymoon...